Its me, that Fawn person…. I don’t associate with that name at all anymore, I’m not much online unless its a slow day and my tweets start coming in hot.

Sometimes I wonder if the girls who jumped on board with this whole witch hunt, had ever figured out they were being manipulated and bullshitted to further hurt me. Regardless, I’ve come back after a very long time to say a few words. I do not spend a lot of time online anymore; I am in a beautiful open relationship with my giant cisgender boyfriend Jon and as always, me and Ray are inseparable. All three of us are working on leaving the state within the next eight months, I’m working on recovering from the illness that took over half of my body weight and mass away through all of 2015. I now top the scale at 145 lbs when I was 280 - 290 lbs.

I’m going through a line up of potential cosplay I would like to do when conventions become more of a reasonable financial option for me. I tend to update on twitter anymore, I never engage too personally anymore, I don’t draw vent art let alone even consider drawing or sharing it as I once did in a teenage survivor mentality. Heck I barely draw at all anymore. I have been clinically diagnosed with PTSD with Psychotic Symptoms, I AM autistic and my Mom and I have rekindled a great deal of our relationship because she has allowed herself to accept that perhaps that was always my case- and when she researched more and more…. the more it came together for her and even my Dad. Its so fascinatin how fast she can help me now when I’m not having a good time, she used to get so angry and frustrated and her tones and voice would always make the situation turn worse bc of that. We now have a mutual understanding…. and I could have never asked for more.

The things that happened in 2014 were disgusting, it happened to far more than just me on this website… but one of the most important things I learned is that, no matter what, “good” is an entirely individualized concept… so if you ever come across someone who strives to be pure of heart, someone who desperately reaches for that intangible ‘unicorn’ state of being…. you ALWAYS keep your guard up. Good can go just as evil as bad can…. extremism is the toxicity that keeps our race sick…. among so many other things.

All we can strive for is to find perfection in the ways of accepting duality. Of accepting the good and the bad and not acting behind some facade of purity… I allowed myself to get roped in and manipulated by a very toxic minded person, someone who thought good was a weapon to be brandished, no matter the cost or the rationality. This person called my house (with some ding dong named megan) and harassed my family, doxxed me, spied on me, forced me to seek hospitalization to protect myself from myself, she had me paranoid of being murdered, i was duct taping over webcams and sleeping with knives. All for her ‘good’ all because she took the words over people she’d chattered with for a few months… people I should have never let back into my life. People who scarred me a lot more than I had realized and who did not hesitate to carve in more, when I foolishly tried to forgive the past and see how he had grown since highschool. 

What I’ve realized about this area, is…. not many people ever escape the abuse cycle. And I am so sorry.

I am so sorry. Please, take it from me. I’m a lot stronger now than I was while all of this transpired. The things they made me feel I was obligated to do to protect myself and show people I truly try as hard as I can to wear my heart on my sleeve… am I perfect? Of course not! If any human being ever tells you they never lie, run for the hills. Its impossible, we are made of duality. We are made of the uncertainty of the universe and the energy that beams down to us, beacons from our energy clade.

I hope everyone has been growing and keeping at it. I will not be returning, this is the final thing I will ever say on this… come a year or so? I’ll probably put this to rest…. the last few pages are a painful and ghastly reminder of how much power I let absolutely nothing have over me. I’m only thankful it happened because it traumatized me so bad that at least now I know better coping skills… not perfect, but not dying any time soon.

I love you all very much,

Sara

I have been back from the hospital for a bit now but have been doing so much more in real life that I have sort of put the computer on the backburner like…. idk guys I feel better when I am not on tumblr honestly because clearly this environment is toxic (seconded by my amazing therapist) and ruins people and executes a small town mentality that is pretty dangerous. If I have learned anything from my time here it is that humans are dangerous creatures who want blood. (What have I created)

Perhaps I wont always feel this way but for now I must continue to go to my outpatient therapy and trauma groups. My therapist said that I am on the spectrum but before we diagnose anything fully she wants to address my trauma symptoms since they are very severe especially right now.

I keep having bad dreams with bad people and I am so scared this situation is going to become another trigger and idk how to fix that. But I guess I am sort of beating around the bush.

I wont be coming back on here, I am sorry. Its too dangerous for me and my open personality. I was told that my roleplaying when done with people I trust is a good coping skill. I will not roleplay anything dark with strangers anymore. My art also was said to be a good coping skill to vent out feelings as long as it isnt shared anymore. I am no longer sixteen and there are ppl who dont want to see how I cope and that is ok. But I was never wrong.

Someone once said I was headed down a dark path but things in my life really lightened up when she showed her true colors. I may not have been a good friend to her but by the end I was starting to try and make amends for all the bad feelings I felt. She said she forgave me, but she was too busy orchestrating this fiasco to really listen or care. She tricked me like a coward. She is no unicorn. She was the root of what happened. She is dangerous and it is she and all the others with her who are walking down this ~dangerous path~.

Overall I trusted too much, perhaps that was my error. I will miss those who were good, I will miss my anons. I will miss my friends.

So this is Fawn signing off. Back to reality. It isnt as harsh as I remember it- its actually freeing and you get to look people in the eyes to judge character. If only I had been able to do that here.

Farewell Tumblr- I am FREE a free dragon! Flying through the air! I am happy in this moment! I will miss those whom were nice and good and those who always came to whisper in my askbox!

I am free

ocdmonster:

the hospital already called fawn’s parents and set up a date for a counseling session for them all! the last time it went to the hospital this didn’t happen until it was being let out and they had some little half-assed discussion before we left to go home with it :/

this new hospital seems so amazing… they’re heavily focussing on it’s diagnoses and getting correct meds sorted out. this time around looks very hopeful.

ocdmonster:

it’s been accepted for a bed at a psychiatric hospital way ahead of schedule, we just had our goodbyes

i can’t stop crying lol it’s gonna be home in like less than a month but still

ocdmonster:

so today things were going alright, but after fawn tried to set up a first appointment with its therapy office, it told them what happened over the weekend, both the office and fawn’s nurse practitioner said it had to go to the ER and get admitted for screening for its personal safety. so, long story short, after fawn said it almost OD’d on Saturday (and would have if i hadn’t left work and came home) they said they were either going to admit it by hospital’s orders or put down self-admittance.

so fawn is going back to the psychiatric hospital, under self-admittance. we’re not sure when it’s going to come home, because the last time was only a week as opposed to the first time where it was almost a month.

if anyone has any questions or concerns my ask box is open, public and anon, and i can pass on good will messages towards fawn whenever we get the chance to talk on the phone.

thank you everyone and anyone for your support over the past few days, but it just seems like this was the only road it could go down by this point.

this is ocdmonster i’m going to reblog this here as well, and any other updates about fawn along the way.

RIGHT like geez must be nice to see the world from under your upturned nose while all of us below look at all the boogers in ur nose u snotty snob

mess with me ? i will defend myself until i see that you aren’t a threat

mess with my friends ? i will shut you the fuck down buddy

female-anti-feminist:

bs-imago:

So, I started a GoFundMe to try and raise 350 dollars for name change fees.

To quote the GFM Page:

Why 350 USD : 

•  Filing Fee to Change your name in NJ IS $ 250 .
•  I Will need Two certified COPIES of the final Judgement of my case THESE Are $ 25 Each ($ 50) 
• A name Change packet Provided by the Department of Motor Vehicles is $ 30
  

Please also understand that I am trying to cover what I can realistically, to quote the page again:

I am representing my own case and feel as though small fees such as a personal copy of final judgement, declaration of name change newspaper fee, and the Registrar of Vital Statistics fees are obtainable on my own via family or small day jobs.

IF YOU DO NOT SUPPORT GOFUNDME FOR WHATEVER REASON HERE IS A LINK TO MY PAYPAL. DONATIONS FROM PAYPAL GO INTO MY SAVINGS ACCOUNT & WILL BE UPDATED HERE AND ON GOFUNDME.

IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO HELP ME BUT FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE GIVING A STRANGER MONEY HERE IS A LINK TO AN AMAZON Wishlist FOR MOSTLY CLOTHES AND SMALL GIFTS.  Again, I Have no job and getting a new Coat for winter, light Bulbs, or some socks would be greatly beneficial.

You can donate to parents on gofundme raising money for their childs cancer/illness treatment, or you can donate to let this kid change their name. Wow.

yes because mental soundness for those struggling with being in bodies that dont work the way they wish they could & even living in chronic pain is SUCH an abomination !!!! how could this individual ever want something to feel comfort and structured by .

get out of here, go on git- no one invited “female anti feminist” anything out of ur mouth is bound to be shit regardless so there rly was no shock value to you reblogging this but consider urself blocked bc everything you do is bassackwards shitty anyways